Step 10- Improve your social skills.

Question:

I read _How to Win Friends…_ as a young adult, at my Grandfather’s suggestion, and can’t remember *a lot* about it, except that I immediately incorporated a couple of the suggestions about *sincere* appreciation and *sincere* compliments into my relationships with people, and still use them to this day. I do recall that the book emphasizes the comments must be genuine (not simply appear genuine), and I doubt I could get insincere flattery out of my mouth without feeling guilty and embarrassed, so it doesn’t really teach you to act like a used car salesman. The book makes some excellent points about people’s feelings and motivations and how they respond to certain treatment. I haven’t read either of the other books mentioned, so I can’t make a comparison between them, just wanted to note that Dale Carnegie’s book does have value beyond the superficial. marcia

Response:

Improve your social skills. Good social skills are a key factor in success as an adult – whether in the workplace or in your personal life. If you experience interpersonal problems, it’s important to understand how your ADD (ADHD) may impact the relationships in your life and to develop better patterns of relating to others. How the heck do we do this one? What are things that have helped you improve your social skills? Or have you simply reduced your social circle to those who deal well with your "eccentricities"? I know many who completely withdraw, but is that an effective solution? Kitten

Response:

I’ve made big strides here in the past year largely due to starting stimulants, so it’s fresh in my mind and I more or less know how I’m different now. These are the steps I took/take to improve my social skills: 1. I try to reduce or eliminate distractions. If there’s something going on in the room that’s making it very difficult for me to follow a conversation, I explain that I’m easily distracted, and sometimes others even help me fix it. If for some reason it’s impossible to counteract or eliminate whatever is distracting me, I excuse myself, because I know from experience that I’ll only get frustrated and embarrass myself if I try to stay with a conversation I can’t follow, and my resulting behavior may be bewildering to others in the room. 2. When it feels like others aren’t letting me talk, I’m the one who’s interrupting. It’s time to take my meds. 3. I find a way to say exactly what I think, honestly and politely and with humor if possible. Unspoken words are remarkably unsettling and distracting for me. I’ve very nearly stopped censoring my speech at all with peers. Sounds crazy but it *usually* works for me. 4. I’ve found my place in the world. I love taking care of sick people. It’s a job that requires a lot of energy (I have extra). My patients are crazy about me and I get a lot of positive feedback from them for being exactly who I am and doing what I love to do. It makes me feel valuable, which has greatly improved my self-esteem and confidence. Not that everybody should go into nursing, but surely there’s a just-right spot for everybody. ~Patti

Response:

(snip) What are things that have helped you improve your social skills? Kitten I’ve made big strides here in the past year largely due to starting stimulants, so it’s fresh in my mind and I more or less know how I’m different now. These are the steps I took/take to improve my social skills: 1. I try to reduce or eliminate distractions.

Nod. 2. When it feels like others aren’t letting me talk, I’m the one who’s interrupting. It’s time to take my meds.

Heh. A rule of thumb I have heard is this. If you are interrupted, don’t try to repeat what you were saying. Wait a minute. If you haven’t been talking too much, someone will say "what were you saying?" If you have been talking too much, no one will say this. Obviously this isn’t infallible, but I think it works pretty well. Also, I haven’t stopped myself from interrupting (though I am better) but I have gotten much better at saying "but you were about say something when I interrupted. Go ahead." 3. I find a way to say exactly what I think, honestly and politely and with humor if possible.

Sounds good to me. 4. I’ve found my place in the world.

Lovely. :-) Sometimes really concrete rules for yourself help. I figured out many years ago that you should say hello to people when you see them for the first time that day, whether they are coming in or you are. Sounds obvious, but for years I didn’t know that and only said hello if the other person did first. Another rule: in conversations, things should be roughly even. People should talk about the same amount. The same person shouldn’t always have to end the call. The same person shouldn’t always have to *make* the call. Another thing that helps is to watch the other person’s expression while you are talking. You can often tell if you are being annoying or tactless or going on too long by their expression. Again, seems obvious, but I had to figure this out.

Response:

Read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

Response:

While I don’t have ADHD, but I do have some social skills issues. They’ve gotten *much* better since I was a kid, but I’m still working on improving them. Thanks for writing that, Nancy. I always had you pegged for the most "together," self-confident, articulate woman around. It helps to hear that you didn’t come out of the womb that way.

Always together? Oh, heavens no! LOL! When I was in elementary school, I was probably just about the most unpopular girl in my class. Don’t know why exactly, but I do know I had terrible social skills. And I had no self-confidence *at all.* The fact that I was physically awkward and quite dorky looking (both of which I can self-confidently say are no longer true ), probably didn’t help either. LOL. I was such a weird kid, mostly living in a fantasy world in my head. Which is why I have a great deal of empathy for the weird kids of the world. Once I got to high school, things got much better for me socially, but I still have some social skills issues, and I’m always tweaking them and working on making them better. My self-confidence also improved over the years, and by the beginning of my second year in college, which was quite a while ago, that had ceased to be a problem. Nancy Unique, like everyone else

Response:

I hate that book. It’s about how to be a fake. I like "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" better for social skills. It teaches empathic listening, which works a lot better than "pretending" which is a skill recommended in "how to win…" "The 7 habits…" describes a much more satisfying and authentic way of interacting with people. A lot of the book is filler. You have to skim it, but that’s true of nearly all of those self-help books.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Oh, hey… I find it interesting that you’re going to nursing school. I got about half-way through before deciding it wasn’t the right field for me (imo, bipolar disorder interferes), but it’s great to hear someone else is changing careers and enjoying the work. How far into your program are you? We started with CNA training and Patient Care Skills as prereqs to being accepted into the College of Nursing, but I took training with a girl from Kentucky who was already a second year student, so obviously not all programs are the same. I’m a rising senior at UNC-Chapel Hill. I’ll graduate in May and I’ll take my licensing exam in June. It’s a four-year program but at Carolina you’re not a nursing student until junior year. We received CNA training during the first semester. We’ve had to work as CNAs this summer for 200 hours as a requirement of the program, to get clinical experience with patient care and to learn to understand CNA work because most of us will be responsible for supervising it in the future.

Great school! I tried to transfer there from NC State back in the early 80’s, but they had a 2-year moratorium on transferring in-state female undergrads because the male-to-female ratio was off, so I moved up here to Ohio State (also a good school, but nothing like Carolina). With an education from there, you could go anywhere… although why you would want to leave North Carolina is beyond me. Most of my family still lives there (yeah, that should influence *your* decision, right?). Do you have any idea what kind of nursing you want to do when you’re finished? Oncology. I particularly like bone marrow transplant because the patient-staff ratio is unusually good. ~Patti

Oncology sounds like an interesting field. It seems like it would be satisfying to have time to develop relationships with your patients, since they would usually be long-term. Typical hospital patient-staff ratio was one of the things that pushed me out of nursing; I didn’t think I could handle the stress and still give safe care, but I also didn’t want to end up pushing meds in some nursing home just to avoid the stress. I hear 4th year is the most interesting, and I hope you really enjoy it. marcia, just a tinge envious

Response:

I can’t leave NC anyway. The state bribes you to stay. So does UNC Hospital. Between the two of them they’ll pay off all of my college loans in under four years, which is especially important at my age. Besides that, my aging parents live under 15 minutes away, and I have a lot of other family here too. Oncology sounds like an interesting field. It seems like it would be satisfying to have time to develop relationships with your patients, since they would usually be long-term.

Exactly. That’s one of the things I love about it. Another is that the arc of the patient’s emotional experience from diagnosis through treatment and even through death is something I find deeply spiritually satisfying to participate in. The experience of facing cancer strengthens people spiritually. It turns some of them into amazing people and I just enjoy spending time with them. Also I’m good at establishing intimacy with patients almost immediately, and at providing the emotional support patients want in those scary moments — the hours after diagnosis, during the painful bone marrow biopsy, etc. Before nursing school, I never imagined that *that* would be my strength, but it is. I thought it would be my challenge. I thought I would be painfully shy and awkward. But to my great surprise, since the the first time I walked into a suffering patient’s room, and almost every time since, some magical thing happens and we have known each other since the dawn of time. I just love that. Typical hospital patient-staff ratio was one of the things that pushed me out of nursing; I didn’t think I could handle the stress and still give safe care, but I also didn’t want to end up pushing meds in some nursing home just to avoid the stress.

I certainly understand that. I hate nursing homes. I’m not convinced there’s less stress there based on what I’ve seen working in a few over the summer. In bone marrow units you only have one or two patients at a time, because they get sick as snot and can turn on a dime. On the hem/onc ward where I did my first rotation, the max is 5, which is IMO too many. They get pretty sick too. I hear 4th year is the most interesting, and I hope you really enjoy it.

Thanks! I am enjoying it, obviously. marcia, just a tinge envious

It’s never too late. And while I certainly understand if it’s not what you want, I don’t see any reason why BPD should hold anybody back from following their dreams. The thing you love doing is the thing you do the very best. ~Patti

Response:

Oh hey(have I asked this before?): you *are* being taught the right way to move heavy people, using them machine thingies if needed, right? You really have to watch your back in nursing! Yes. And in the hospital they encourage you to do it the right way. At the rehab center and in the nursing home they expect you to do most of your work shifting folks around by yourself, although I did get help to work with people who weigh 200 lb and up. I expect to be working in a hospital ultimately, and I won’t be doing much of this sort of work after I take my RN licensing exam, so I suppose my back will survive. I do worry about the CNAs who work at nursing homes long-term. Many of them at the rehab where I worked this summer are men or heavy-set women. Being little there was definitely a disadvantage. You mostly use your weight as a counterbalance to shift people around — not your muscles.

Oh, hey… I find it interesting that you’re going to nursing school. I got about half-way through before deciding it wasn’t the right field for me (imo, bipolar disorder interferes), but it’s great to hear someone else is changing careers and enjoying the work. How far into your program are you? We started with CNA training and Patient Care Skills as prereqs to being accepted into the College of Nursing, but I took training with a girl from Kentucky who was already a second year student, so obviously not all programs are the same. Do you have any idea what kind of nursing you want to do when you’re finished? marcia

Response:

Oh, Vashti! I did the same thing. I was such a miserable kid, but it was embarrassing to have complete strangers walk up to you and say, "Smile. It can’t be that bad." I won’t tell you what I felt like saying, because you can probably guess, but I was always too shy to say it. I had to train myself to smile, make eye contact, and carry on a social conversation (pre-therapy!), which I’m very proud of. You should be, too. marcia

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Improve your social skills. Good social skills are a key factor in success as an adult – whether in the workplace or in your personal life. If you experience interpersonal problems, it’s important to understand how your ADD (ADHD) may impact the relationships in your life and to develop better patterns of relating to others. How the heck do we do this one? What are things that have helped you improve your social skills? Or have you simply reduced your social circle to those who deal well with your "eccentricities"? I know many who completely withdraw, but is that an effective solution? While I don’t have ADHD, but I do have some social skills issues. They’ve gotten *much* better since I was a kid, but I’m still working on improving them. I constantly have to remind myself to not interrupt (but it’s hard, because sometimes people can be so boring, and go on and on and monopolize the conversation). And I also have to remind myself to not monopolize the conversation. LOL. I think I am better at doing both than I used to be. I am extremely uncomfortable looking people in the eye when I talk to them. It’s only since I’ve been learning about disabilities which have social skills components that I even realized that 1. I didn’t look people in the eye when I talked to them, and 2. My not looking people in the eye when I talked to them was a social faux pas. Now, I really make an effort to try to at least look in the general region of the eyes of the person to whom I’m talking. (Looking directly into their eyes usually still makes me feel very uncomfortable.) One of the other big lessons I’ve learned fairly recently is that other people want you to ask questions about them, and don’t consider questions about themselves to be prying. I used to think that if people wanted me to know something about themselves, they’d just tell me in the first place. And that if they didn’t tell me something without my asking, then it wasn’t any of my business. Now, mainly through my work which often involves interviewing people about their personal lives, I’ve learned that most people are quite flattered when you show an interest in them by asking questions. Since I’ve started making a concerted effort to ask more questions of others, I find general conversations with others much easier, and much more interesting. And, I’ve learned that the less I talk, and the more I encourage others to talk about themselves, the more people want to talk to me. Well, duh. Nancy Unique, like everyone else

Thanks for writing that, Nancy. I always had you pegged for the most "together," self-confident, articulate woman around. It helps to hear that you didn’t come out of the womb that way. marcia P.S. I’ve sampled a few other groups now; ASAD is still the friendliest.

Response:

marcia, just a tinge envious

Don’t be.

Response:

At worst, it’s just techniques. You are suppose to be sincere. Anyway a person will learn a lot if they try the techniques in the book. Like how little other people actually listen. The words "personality" and "person" derive from the Latin for "mask", after all. So, one should not take cleaning up one’s act so seriously, IMO. I like "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" better for social skills. It teaches empathic listening, which works a lot better than "pretending" which is a skill recommended in "how to win…" "The 7 habits…" describes a much more satisfying and authentic way of interacting with people. A lot of the book is filler. You have to skim it, but that’s true of nearly all of those self-help books.

Have you read "Learned Optimism"? Better than "7 Habits" IMO.

Response:

I’m a rising senior at UNC-Chapel Hill. I’ll graduate in May and I’ll take my licensing exam in June. It’s a four-year program but at Carolina you’re not a nursing student until junior year. We received CNA training during the first semester. We’ve had to work as CNAs this summer for 200 hours as a requirement of the program, to get clinical experience with patient care and to learn to understand CNA work because most of us will be responsible for supervising it in the future. Do you have any idea what kind of nursing you want to do when you’re finished?

Oncology. I particularly like bone marrow transplant because the patient-staff ratio is unusually good. ~Patti

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – While I don’t have ADHD, but I do have some social skills issues. They’ve gotten *much* better since I was a kid, but I’m still working on improving them. Good stuff, Nancy. Yup! The eye thing is one I had trouble with and still do on occasion. *And* I practised smiling in the mirror when I was younger… got fed up of people asking me if I was ok and "what’s wrong?" when my face was relaxed. — Vashti Oh, Vashti! I did the same thing. I was such a miserable kid, but it was embarrassing to have complete strangers walk up to you and say, "Smile. It can’t be that bad." I won’t tell you what I felt like saying, because you can probably guess, but I was always too shy to say it. I had to train myself to smile, make eye contact, and carry on a social conversation (pre-therapy!), which I’m very proud of. You should be, too. marcia

I know exactly what you mean. The fact that my mouth turns down at the corners, into a sort of natural frown, exacerbates the situation. When I waitressed especially, people would always tell me the exact same things…"Smile!" "You’d be so much prettier if you smiled." Blah, blah blah. I was also very shy, so a lot of people thought I was stuck-up, or pissed-off. I have also trained myself to *smile*, although it just makes my lips look *normal*, not frowny.

Response:

While I don’t have ADHD, but I do have some social skills issues. They’ve gotten *much* better since I was a kid, but I’m still working on improving them. I constantly have to remind myself to not interrupt (but it’s hard, because sometimes people can be so boring, and go on and on and monopolize the conversation). And I also have to remind myself to not monopolize the conversation. LOL. I think I am better at doing both than I used to be. I am extremely uncomfortable looking people in the eye when I talk to them. It’s only since I’ve been learning about disabilities which have social skills components that I even realized that 1. I didn’t look people in the eye when I talked to them, and 2. My not looking people in the eye when I talked to them was a social faux pas. Now, I really make an effort to try to at least look in the general region of the eyes of the person to whom I’m talking. (Looking directly into their eyes usually still makes me feel very uncomfortable.) One of the other big lessons I’ve learned fairly recently is that other people want you to ask questions about them, and don’t consider questions about themselves to be prying. I used to think that if people wanted me to know something about themselves, they’d just tell me in the first place. And that if they didn’t tell me something without my asking, then it wasn’t any of my business. Now, mainly through my work which often involves interviewing people about their personal lives, I’ve learned that most people are quite flattered when you show an interest in them by asking questions. Since I’ve started making a concerted effort to ask more questions of others, I find general conversations with others much easier, and much more interesting. And, I’ve learned that the less I talk, and the more I encourage others to talk about themselves, the more people want to talk to me. Well, duh. Nancy Unique, like everyone else

Response:

What are things that have helped you improve your social skills? Or have you simply reduced your social circle to those who deal well with your "eccentricities"? I know many who completely withdraw, but is that an effective solution?

Show a little hubris. …. ( Thank you MothWrangler for pointing this out to me. ) Having a sense of self-confidence ISN’T bullshit. It is a type of self-evaluation which is of crucial importance. If a person overestimates their own ability then they are in deep doo doo. It seems to me that *most* people with ADD ought to be much more confident of their own ability then they appear as being ( CONTEXTUAL DECISION MAKING ASIDE … ) This doesn’t seem to be how it is. Regrettably, that ability to be self-confident is NOW beyond me. …. too many war wounds. …. too shell shocked. … too much PTSD. Stupid fucking ex-psychiatrist. YES. I blame him. It is appropriate and reasonable for me to point out that he contradicted and failed HIMSELF … that it had tangible, deleterious consequence. Does anyone believe this? ROTPMGO.

Response:

expounded: Improve your social skills. Good social skills are a key factor in success as an adult – whether in the workplace or in your personal life. If you experience interpersonal problems, it’s important to understand how your ADD (ADHD) may impact the relationships in your life and to develop better patterns of relating to others. How the heck do we do this one? What are things that have helped you improve your social skills? Or have you simply reduced your social circle to those who deal well with your "eccentricities"? I know many who completely withdraw, but is that an effective solution?

Developing a very thick skin and a tough front is the only way I dealt. The social rejection and isolation I felt during my young child and then teen years was acute, I decided I’d be harder than them, and it worked – eventually. Then, 50 years of living – and coming to the realization that everyone has things they have to deal with. My ‘things’ are my own, I’m responsible for them, I need to take care of them myself. Hardass? Yea, but I’ve mellowed ;- — Ann e-mail address is not checked

Response:

While I don’t have ADHD, but I do have some social skills issues. They’ve gotten *much* better since I was a kid, but I’m still working on improving them.

Good stuff, Nancy.

Response:

While I don’t have ADHD, but I do have some social skills issues. They’ve gotten *much* better since I was a kid, but I’m still working on improving them. Good stuff, Nancy.

Yup! The eye thing is one I had trouble with and still do on occasion. *And* I practised smiling in the mirror when I was younger… got fed up of people asking me if I was ok and "what’s wrong?" when my face was relaxed. — Vashti

Response:

Oooh- this is a big one for me! *Finally* I’m learning when to tell people that something’s driving me to distraction, I always thought people would find it odd but mostly they really will turn off that computer/fan, adjust the blinds or swap seats with me so I can concentrate. 2. When it feels like others aren’t letting me talk, I’m the one who’s interrupting. It’s time to take my meds.

Oops, I’ll try to remember this… hopefully I’m not interrupting too much! Maybe just realising that it can happen(I used to be too shy to open my mouth so this is newish for me) will be helpful. 3. I find a way to say exactly what I think, honestly and politely and with humor if possible. Unspoken words are remarkably unsettling and distracting for me. I’ve very nearly stopped censoring my speech at all with peers. Sounds crazy but it *usually* works for me.

Maybe it’s cause I’m unmedicated but I still find myself blurting out things that make no sense to those around me when I do know they probably haven’t seen the film or read the book I’m referring to. 4. I’ve found my place in the world. I love taking care of sick people. It’s a job that requires a lot of energy (I have extra). My patients are crazy about me and I get a lot of positive feedback from them for being exactly who I am and doing what I love to do. It makes me feel valuable, which has greatly improved my self-esteem and confidence.

Congarats! How’re things going right now? Not that everybody should go into nursing, but surely there’s a just-right spot for everybody.

Oh, I hope so!!! I’m still hopeful I’ll find my just-right spot someday. — Vashti

Response:

Heh. Well, I didn’t mean *you.* It sort of goes without saying that on your worst day you have better social skills than I do on my best. 4. I’ve found my place in the world. I love taking care of sick people. It’s a job that requires a lot of energy (I have extra). My patients are crazy about me and I get a lot of positive feedback from them for being exactly who I am and doing what I love to do. It makes me feel valuable, which has greatly improved my self-esteem and confidence. Congarats! How’re things going right now?

The summer work experience as an NA has been great, and has only made me feel better about nursing in spite of the backbreaking work hoisting people and cleaning their bottoms. The online class that goes along with it is a boatload of meaningless busywork with no practical application. I’m having a hard time getting the work done; in fact I’m procrastinating at this very moment. My assignments are all due Monday, and Tuesday I have the wrap-up day on campus for the online class. The fall semester starts Wed 8/23. For the first half of the semester, I start with my psychiatry rotation on the psych floor of a local hospital. I’ve had a lot of experience comfortably dealing with agitated dementia patients over the summer, so I’m feeling cautiously optimistic about how I’ll handle dealing with psych patients. Not that everybody should go into nursing, but surely there’s a just-right spot for everybody. Oh, I hope so!!! I’m still hopeful I’ll find my just-right spot someday.

Or maybe you have found it. I worry that the post that generated your response might have seemed didactic or otherwise unpleasant. Over the last 18 months I’ve really blossomed, and it’s impossible to miss in person. (But maybe not in writing.) For one thing, I dropped over 40 pound. For another, I was sort of a depressed and lonely drudge typing away in my dungeon, and now I’m happy and gregarious and I have good friends and satisfying work. People who haven’t seen me in a year just about drop their teeth and can’t shut up about it. That’s probably influenced my social skills somewhat too. My social skills have changed an awful lot for the better in the past year, but maybe I suck at expressing how and why in writing. Oh well.

Response:

2. When it feels like others aren’t letting me talk, I’m the one who’s interrupting. It’s time to take my meds. Oops, I’ll try to remember this… hopefully I’m not interrupting too much! Maybe just realising that it can happen(I used to be too shy to open my mouth so this is newish for me) will be helpful. Heh. Well, I didn’t mean *you.* It sort of goes without saying that on your worst day you have better social skills than I do on my best.

Oi, you haven’t even *heard* me babble on IRL! One day, when the kids were quite young still, I decided I’d greet people I passed in the park just like the elderly always do… it’s the polite thing to do here and a good example for the kids. Somewhere between my teens and now I went from a deathly shy stutterer to a non-stop babbler… while it’s good that I can now actually talk to people without blushing or looking down, it would be nice if the other person could get a word in edge-ways, LOL! My social skills on a really bad day? The local bus drivers are lucky I can’t reach the emergency door release…<g I’m more polite about things regarding myself than those close to me but with the fibro I’ve also needed to learn to stand up for myself, it’s the finer details I need to work on: somewhere between yelling at someone for hurting me and politely asking them to stop please, you know? 4. I’ve found my place in the world. I love taking care of sick people. It’s a job that requires a lot of energy (I have extra). My patients are crazy about me and I get a lot of positive feedback from them for being exactly who I am and doing what I love to do. It makes me feel valuable, which has greatly improved my self-esteem and confidence. Congarats! How’re things going right now? The summer work experience as an NA has been great, and has only made me feel better about nursing in spite of the backbreaking work hoisting people and cleaning their bottoms.

Oh hey(have I asked this before?): you *are* being taught the right way to move heavy people, using them machine thingies if needed, right? You really have to watch your back in nursing! The online class that goes along with it is a boatload of meaningless busywork with no practical application. I’m having a hard time getting the work done; in fact I’m procrastinating at this very moment. My assignments are all due Monday, and Tuesday I have the wrap-up day on campus for the online class.

Aw, not more busywork??? I always hated that about secondary school: those meaningless exercises which only seemed intended to take up time when they could have just asked one short question instead. The fall semester starts Wed 8/23. For the first half of the semester, I start with my psychiatry rotation on the psych floor of a local hospital. I’ve had a lot of experience comfortably dealing with agitated dementia patients over the summer, so I’m feeling cautiously optimistic about how I’ll handle dealing with psych patients.

You’ll be fine: my mother had a rough time when she worked in a mental hospital in the ’70’s but that place was like something from a horror film. She was unschooled yet got the hospital in-house jobs for the patients, saved for a minivan for outings and all sorts of stuff but then the committee in charge of funding changed their minds and took the money the patients had made and sunk it into some other council fund. IIRC one patient was there because he was blind… he’d been put there before anyone knew, and another had been there for decades just cause she’d had a baby out of wedlock, her parents checked her in and her family disowned her<grrr! Nowadays the meds are better, hopefully the docs are better and they’ll have *you*! Not that everybody should go into nursing, but surely there’s a just-right spot for everybody. Oh, I hope so!!! I’m still hopeful I’ll find my just-right spot someday. Or maybe you have found it.

Nah, I need some challenges in life… er- a different kind of challenge than any of the ones I’ve already got that is, LOL! Doesn’t need to be anything fancy, no rocket science or anything. Just a little something outside of the house. I worry that the post that generated your response might have seemed didactic or otherwise unpleasant.

No worry necessary, it wasn’t unpleasant: it was uplifting! Over the last 18 months I’ve really blossomed, and it’s impossible to miss in person. (But maybe not in writing.) For one thing, I dropped over 40 pound.

Hey, congrats! The physical side is eating up calories, eh? For another, I was sort of a depressed and lonely drudge typing away in my dungeon, and now I’m happy and gregarious and I have good friends and satisfying work.

See, *that’s* what I mean about why I want a job or something! I may not be depressed but I am fairly isolated and have no outside interests, things are getting better on various fronts so getting out and about and being more active outside the home is the next logical step. People who haven’t seen me in a year just about drop their teeth and can’t shut up about it. That’s probably influenced my social skills somewhat too. My social skills have changed an awful lot for the better in the past year, but maybe I suck at expressing how and why in writing.

Naw, you don’t… but you’re really crap at mind-reading and if it makes you feel any better, so am I! If you ever offend or upset me I’ll come right out and tell you, and you do the same for me, ok? — Vashti

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Oi, you haven’t even *heard* me babble on IRL! One day, when the kids were quite young still, I decided I’d greet people I passed in the park just like the elderly always do… it’s the polite thing to do here and a good example for the kids. Somewhere between my teens and now I went from a deathly shy stutterer to a non-stop babbler… while it’s good that I can now actually talk to people without blushing or looking down, it would be nice if the other person could get a word in edge-ways, LOL! My social skills on a really bad day? The local bus drivers are lucky I can’t reach the emergency door release…<g I’m more polite about things regarding myself than those close to me but with the fibro I’ve also needed to learn to stand up for myself, it’s the finer details I need to work on: somewhere between yelling at someone for hurting me and politely asking them to stop please, you know?

Yeah. Pain definitely complicates the whole ADHD/social skills thang. Oh hey(have I asked this before?): you *are* being taught the right way to move heavy people, using them machine thingies if needed, right? You really have to watch your back in nursing!

Yes. And in the hospital they encourage you to do it the right way. At the rehab center and in the nursing home they expect you to do most of your work shifting folks around by yourself, although I did get help to work with people who weigh 200 lb and up. I expect to be working in a hospital ultimately, and I won’t be doing much of this sort of work after I take my RN licensing exam, so I suppose my back will survive. I do worry about the CNAs who work at nursing homes long-term. Many of them at the rehab where I worked this summer are men or heavy-set women. Being little there was definitely a disadvantage. You mostly use your weight as a counterbalance to shift people around — not your muscles. You’ll be fine: my mother had a rough time when she worked in a mental hospital in the ’70’s but that place was like something from a horror film. She was unschooled yet got the hospital in-house jobs for the patients, saved for a minivan for outings and all sorts of stuff but then the committee in charge of funding changed their minds and took the money the patients had made and sunk it into some other council fund. IIRC one patient was there because he was blind… he’d been put there before anyone knew, and another had been there for decades just cause she’d had a baby out of wedlock, her parents checked her in and her family disowned her<grrr!

There’s no doubt things are better now on that score, although I think we’ve probably swung too far in the other direction. Mentally ill people should not have to live on the street. I worry that the post that generated your response might have seemed didactic or otherwise unpleasant. No worry necessary, it wasn’t unpleasant: it was uplifting!

Good. That’s what I was going for. I think it’s relatively uncommon for an adult to makes drastic changes for the better in a year or so. I feel like I’ve transformed myself from a cautionary tale into an inspirational story. It has been a rough year in that it’s required a great deal of hard work, but I am happy now. Hey, congrats! The physical side is eating up calories, eh?

Well, that and I stopped eating starch and started exercising more regularly. Right now I’m running about 9 to 12 miles a week, which I know ain’t all that impressive, but I am 41 remember. I also lift weights and do yoga. It really helps with mood and focus too. For another, I was sort of a depressed and lonely drudge typing away in my dungeon, and now I’m happy and gregarious and I have good friends and satisfying work. See, *that’s* what I mean about why I want a job or something! I may not be depressed but I am fairly isolated and have no outside interests, things are getting better on various fronts so getting out and about and being more active outside the home is the next logical step.

That sounds great. I think the trick is to find work that satisfies a need you have. People who haven’t seen me in a year just about drop their teeth and can’t shut up about it. That’s probably influenced my social skills somewhat too. My social skills have changed an awful lot for the better in the past year, but maybe I suck at expressing how and why in writing. Naw, you don’t… but you’re really crap at mind-reading and if it makes you feel any better, so am I! If you ever offend or upset me I’ll come right out and tell you, and you do the same for me, ok?

Right. My mindreading skills have *not* improved. If you would please come and sit in my living room I might have been able to figure out how you felt about it. The look I was *imagining* on your face was very disapproving. ;) And the other thing I suck at is keeping my feelings about anything to myself, so in the unlikely event that you ever offend me, you can count on me to blurt out exactly how I feel about it and hit "send" before thinking it through. :) ~Patti

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Attention Deficit Disorder

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